From My Diaries

by Winston T. Spoojalot


May 30, 1999

It's important to write shit now and then, eh? Else how are they supposed to know what was wrong with you? Phrenology's been discredited, all our greatest minds lost to the scientific quacks, what else is there? I remember when the quacks first moved in, before they had cemented their position. It was still possible to oppose them then, to rip those silly fuckin' bills right off their pasty white little faces. "Quack that, bitch!" I used to say. And you never saw a funnier sight than one of 'em rolling around, trying to quack with no bill.

It's all psychosomatic, you see. They didn't need the bills to quack any more than you need your ass to shit. Just the hole, buddy, just the hole. Not the whole. Never the whole. Anybody who tells you that is after something. Money, piece of your ass, both, who knows? But rest assured that it ain't Arbor Day in their hearts. That money or that cheek or that money-wrapped cheek are not gonna put any trees in childrens' playgrounds - not like the hole of your ass, which will, you mark my words. Mark 'em with shit. Shit and appleseeds. And always let it be Arbor Day in your heart. With every grunt and push and freshly-laid log is a new chance at life - life that kiddies will play with, shove up their noses, eat, and fuck. Under. Fuck under. Unless the little freaks get really out of control.

I knew a kid like that. She wasn't a healthy gal. Tree hugging does not and should not involve those particular bits and pieces. You don't know where it's been, who fertilized that soil, what they ate. And why. What they ate isn't nearly as important as why. If they ate a carrot, that's good, right? WRONG. Not if they ate it because the rotting corpse under the bed commanded it as a tithe for the crossing-over of the dark lord's manservant to this realm. That's bad. Unless the manservant brought some tea. It all evens out. You just gotta have Faith. Which apparently isn't too hard. She ain't the purest of vixens, if ya know what I mean. She's had a tree or two in her day.


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