What Osama bin Laden is Not, according to George W. Bush

by Ben Timberlake

 

Osama bin Laden is not the song that you were thinking about and when you turned on the radio it was playing.

Osama bin Laden is not a humorous postcard with a picture of a "jackalope."

Osama bin Laden is not my sister's boyfriend.

Osama bin Laden is not the Secretary of State of Florida.

Osama bin Laden is not the leader of Afghanistan anymore, nor was he ever.

Osama bin Laden is not the man who delivers your milk.

Osama bin Laden is not this month’s Playboy centerfold (though he does have legs to die for).

Osama bin Laden is not the intestinal virus that has kept me on the toilet for three days straight.

Osama bin Laden is not a tasty popsicle on a hot summer day.

Osama bin Laden is not the lead runner in a charity 5K.

Osama bin Laden is not the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.

Osama bin Laden is not the dag-nastiest MC in Boise, Idaho.

Osama bin Laden is not an Olympic torch-bearer.

Osama bin Laden is not your worst goddamn nightmare.

 

 

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Past pieces presented by Baja Phats

Little Man Says... by Little Man
My Imminent Departure from Chicago, Pt. 2 by Ben Timberlake
Untitled by Stefanie DeLuca

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